A Change Of Perspective

Growing up I was always smaller than everyone else. This meant in size, weight and body structure. It drove me crazy and I constantly tried all forms of, well, torture to change that.

I would eat like crap to try to gain weight. I would try to hang by my legs, hoping that would stretch them. I tried exercises to increase muscle. None of these worked.

I remember being Snoopy in a school play, where I had to lay on a dog house. I was so thin, I actually looked concave (as opposed to Snoopy’s convex stomach). I would hold my breath to make my stomach at least be even with my hips, which caused problems when it was time to deliver lines.

Throughout high school I remained a whopping 125  pounds. This made the girls jealous and the boys distrusting and abusive. Nothing physical, but the names and taunts were never-ending. I got through this with quick wit and just being an all around nice person.

At times, my weight was a benefit. I could do numerous chin ups, could make my way around the “peg board” quickly and it was hard to hit such a wirey and fast kid in dodge ball.

Being super thin (and overly modest) did not do me any favors in the locker room. There were times I had to “prove” myself among the others. I did this by fighting back against someone who continually picked on me. Now 125 pounds of no muscle won’t pack a solid punch, but when you spring that weight at someone with all the strength in your legs, in a sudden burst, you can send them flailing into the lockers not knowing what just happened. It also serves as a point to others that the small kid can only be pushed so far and you just might get knocked on your ass. This happened twice. They learned after that.

In college I felt even smaller. Easily dwarfed by male and female students alike, I would simply blend into the crowd (except for my keen fashion sense).  No problems occurred here. Well, except for my drinking, which allowed me to gain that weight I’d always wanted….. but all in the stomach. Not a pleasant sight on guys or girls.

As I approach the point of making a decision on transitioning, I feel I am physically well suited for the task at hand. I am 5′ 7″, weigh 127 pounds and wear a size 7.5 in women’s shoes. I wear a size 4/5 skirt/jeans and a medium top. I am actually below the average in my town but that allows me to blend in well.  All these years later, what I used to wish away is the very thing that will let the physical transition be an easier task.  Well, except for the 45 years of aging that has ravaged my body (and not in a good way).

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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