I Don’t Want To Look Like A Wookiee, Part 1

I think it’s time to write about something ridiculous. Just to change up the mood a bit. I’m feeling like a sad, sappy bastard these days, so here’s to shaking it up.

It never ceases to amaze me the things we go through in the name of looking good. Personal hygiene is one thing, but a lot of us go above and beyond. Both women and men can relate to the tedious task of hair removal. It’s time consuming, expensive, and frequently painful. Why evolution hasn’t sped up and eliminated body hair is beyond me. It’s not like leg hair is keeping the human race from dying out. In fact, leg hair might actually contribute to human extinction. Because who wants to procreate with (a.k.a. bang) the furry chick?

Did I just propose some sort of new biological theory there? Dear, ScienceDaily, feel free to contact me. We can discuss this in depth for the article you’ll no doubt want me to write.

By no means do I resemble Chewbacca, but for a pasty girl with dark hair, things tend to show up a bit more than I’d prefer. Shaving is the most obvious, common solution, and it’s been getting the job done for me since 1993. But, as we all know, if continuous smoothness is what you crave, hitting the razor every day (or every other day if you’re lucky or don’t mind a touch of stubble) is a requirement. I’m personally too lazy for that shit, so since my teen years I’ve looked for options with more long term results.

My first foray into the non-shaving side of hair removal happened when I discovered a bottle of Nair one of my older sisters had left in the shower. Two things. First, why does it have to smell like a perm? Also, the fun those short shorts girls seemed to be having in the commercials? Totally not realistic. Tingling, burning skin is not fun. This is a fact. Take into consideration that half my leg hair was still intact when I rinsed the stuff off and it made for a very disappointing situation. Over the years, I’ve tried different removal creams in different body areas but never with much more success than that initial attempt. My opinion? Creams suck.

Waxing, however, might be one of the most fantastic discoveries of the… what century did waxing become a thing?

Totally just Wikipedia’d it and found no answer. However I did find an article about hair that is extremely fascinating! I love Wikipedia. But, I digest (if you understand this reference, let’s get married).

So. Waxing. It’s amazing. It hurts like a bitch, yes, but it’s quick and effective. Once you get the hang of it. Or pay someone to do it for you. If you have someone regularly do it for you, though, the cost can mount into exorbitant ranges. Therefore, I recommend building your own skills at waxing if this is your preferred removal method. Also, work on your flexibility. For all those awkward, hard to reach places.

Waxing isn’t without its flaws though; the main being it can get exceptionally messy. I personally have no horror stories of my own, but recently a friend told me the following tale:

One afternoon, this friend (let’s call her Nancy, as in Reagan, just for fun) decided she had some time to get in some waxing before heading out for a weekend on the lake. She had the house to herself for a few hours and got everything ready to go. Unfortunately Nancy hadn’t been able to find her usual wax at the store and was forced to go with a backup she’d never used. Where her usual wax would harden prior to removal, this new wax stayed kind of gooey. Also, the box failed to contain any of the cloth strips that aid in ripping the hair out. This was a setup for disaster. In a panic, she grabbed an old t-shirt of her husband’s and tried to use that to pull the wax off. Fail. Soap and water wasn’t an option because for anyone who has used wax before, you know this doesn’t work to clean it up. What does work, however, is oil. Usually waxes include some sort of a Vitamin E oil or something like it. Her wax did not. Instead, Nancy waddled her way into the kitchen and broke out the canola and proceeded to pour it on her legs and bikini area. Fortunately this did work and she was soon wax free. But not without a little embarrassment and an awesome story to tell. “Nancy” will murder me when she finds out I shared this. Really though? Totally worth it.

So, what’s my preferred hair removal method? It was waxing, which I still occasionally do, but in the last year a friend introduced me to the wonderful world of epilating. What’s epilating you say? Well, it involves a device that looks very similar to an electric razor that contains a dozen or so tweezer-like mechanisms that revolve around at extremely high speed and rip the hair from your body. It. Is. Awesome.

Okay, okay. I realize epilating sounds pretty fucking crazy. In fact, the first time I did it, I broke out into a cold sweat from the unexpected pain. But I’m a badass and toughed through it (I am so not a badass, by the way). That first round I ended up finishing both of my legs and most of my bikini line (what I missed, I tweezed… because that’s a less painful solution, right??). Each subsequent epilation became easier and less pain-inducing to the point that I’d say I’ve turned into a goddamn pro at it. I’ve even branched out to other areas such as underarms and arms. Maybe I really am a badass. Yeah, no, probably not.

So why does epilating win out for me? Two reasons. One, it’s cheaper than and just as effective as waxing. And two, you can do it pretty much anytime, anywhere. As long as you don’t mind the loud electric whirring of the death blades.

On that note, I’m opening this up to Jennifer to talk about her views on hair removal. Because I know she has them. We’re girls. We talk about these things.

This entry was posted in Bizarre, Lady Bits, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to I Don’t Want To Look Like A Wookiee, Part 1

  1. Pingback: I Don’t Want To Look Like A Wookiee, Part 2 | deviant thoughts

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