Absence makes the heart grow….colder

They say that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” but in every instance, for me, when either I or my wife are gone, I find the reconnection rather tiresome and mundane.

I recently returned from a week in California.  I was happy to see my wife when I returned but it wasn’t with running feet and open arms.  In fact, I went for a beer before coming home.  I find that a little odd, even for me.  I think, with transitioning looming just over the horizon, we have moved our relationship from husband and wife to girl friends.  Hell, I think we are even on the same cycle!

Since I have returned, I find that almost everything she is saying just grates on my nerves and I have to walk away.  I don’t think it’s just me, though.  I really think that she has a “tone” with everything she says or asks.

I know, while in college, when I would go away on trips that I would get the same feeling with my girlfriends.  LOVED to see my friends when I would return, but my girlfriends, I could have done without.

This is a cold and calloused feeling to have and one that I wish I could shake.  I know I will, I always have (or I have simply broken up with whomever I was with).  Having something break up the routine can open our eyes to problems we never knew existed.  Problems that may not yet be problems but will grow to such if not addressed sooner rather than later.

I know part of my problem is a depression from not being ME 100% of the time.  When one only gets to be their true self a fraction of their life, it tends to wear heavily on the nerves, body and spirit.  Not being able to find a job where my appearance is neither an issue nor a hindrance, but in Indiana…..I will be unable to find such employment (unless I am able to study cosmetology and work for MAC Cosmetics, just saying)

We have begun our talking, almost a month later.  We know we have problems and are drifting apart.  The love is still there.  It always will be.  It is the commonalities that have changed.  The everyday boredom of routine.  I’m not looking to branch out.  I have never strayed.  Never even thought about it, even if I had a spectacular person hitting on me all night. Hell, I AM the other woman.  The talking is good, though.  We have found some areas that need work and others that are just fine.  We can make a go of this, but if she has already stated that she would leave when I transition, is it really worth fixing something only to have it go away?  I think it is.  Even if just for the sanity and importance of the moment.

(lines from) FACE UP by RUSH

I’m on a roll now
Or is it a slide?
Can’t be too careful
With that dangerous pride
If I could only reach that dial inside
And turn it up

I’m in a groove now
Or is it a rut?
I need some feedback
But all the lines are cut
I get so angry, but I keep my mouth shut
And turn it up

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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2 Responses to Absence makes the heart grow….colder

  1. bronzegirl says:

    “…is it really worth fixing something only to have it go away? I think it is. Even if just for the sanity and importance of the moment.”
    Very touching….the anticipation of change can be such a powerful test of human will and strength.
    More power to you both.

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