My dearest friend…

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Yes, this is the chorus from WIND BENEATH MY WINGS by the incomparable Bette Middler, but this is not an entry for her, despite how amazing I think she is, but rather, this is an entry for my dearest friend, Sarah, whom you might know as the founder of this blog. And if you don’t, get to know her.  She is fucking amazing!

Sarah and I had our first brush with destiny while I was working part time (at the five and dime, my boss was Mister McGhee) at WIPB, a small PBS affiliate in Muncie, Indiana.  It was our Telesale and I was “manning” the camera controls, drawing my Star Wars figures when she walked by wearing a Star Wars shirt.  Talk about it being written in the Star(wars)s!  She made a quick comment and continued to walk on by.

From there we had minor passings in the halls, but it was a summer of a lazy engineer that first put us together for realz.  An engineer who was supposed to keep his truck and garage area in check, but never did.  So we were assigned to do this for him.  Lucky us.  Seriously, though, we were lucky.  At least I was.

Being the quiet girl that I am, it took me a while to warm up to this rather cool girl I was working with.  As we began to talk and joke, it became apparent that our tastes and humor were very much on the same plane.  We were long lost siblings, separated at birth (by 15 years and different parents).

A few months went by and school started back up.  I was the Temporary Studio Coordinator on the engineering side while she landed a gig on the production side.  This put us side by side through the entire run of student productions.  The friendship blossomed and grew.

I was later promoted into the production side of things and began work as a production assistant, leaving my post at the camera controls and assisting the student shows.  This separated the inseparable Wonder Twins, for a brief moment.  Our mutual friend took my spot and I was moved to the day shift.  The up side was that Sarah’s schedule would overlap my leaving, so we still got to hang out quite a bit.  And I was known to hang around for no apparent reason, just to spend more time with her.

As that year ended, it was decided to make her position full time (she had been a Graduate Assistant).  After much struggle, Sarah decided to apply for it and actually got the job.  A mixed blessing since she REALLY wanted out of Muncie (and who doesn’t) but it was a good salary that would allow money saving, bill paying (or buying cool stuffs and rocking it).  🙂  The Wonder Twins were reunited!

We began to hang out constantly.  She would come to my office and we would just chill for hours (while I was continuing to edit, of course).  We became closer than ever.  During this time I came out to her as being trans.  I knew that she was gay, by others telling me.  I’m not sure if they thought I was trying to have a torrid love affair with her, or what, but they felt the need to let me know she was gay.  Whatever.  Come to find out, we did have one jackass that thought we were indeed having inappropriate dealings.

This self righteous MF actually called Sarah out on it saying that it did not look right with the two of us walking to work together and leaving together.  (I would wait in the lot till she pulled up ad we would trek across campus together, same after work).  He really thought this was wrong (but judging others is quite ok).  We even joked about passing his office and just totally making out, but we never did.

Sarah was there as my rock.  After coming out to her, she was my cheerleader (picture SNL Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri).  She was behind me 100%.  She even went with me when I got my ears pierced the first time.  Of course, when we returned, the jackass had to call a meeting and tell the other girls in the office that I must be a transvestite.  Luckily, they did not care in the least.  He had no idea how close to the truth he was, though, which would have really turned him against me.  (I had to have a “meeting” with him later, in my office, due to comments he had been making about me.  Again, great christian attitude there)

I helped Sarah through anything I could.  Sometimes relationship issues would arise.  Sometimes other issues would pop up, but I made sure I was there for her.  She had become my best friend.  A role that she holds to this very day.  A role I don’t think she can ever get out of, no matter how hard she tries.  🙂

I was devastated when she moved to California.  Thrilled and excited for her, but my own selfish needs kept me from enjoying all this move meant for her.  The day she left, I went back to my office, cried, and left early.  I was ruined for the day.

A couple years have gone by now.  She is in California.  I am in Indiana.  The drive and energy to get out west is still there and I know it will happen.  My big decision will be whether I begin transitioning prior to moving there or after.  It’s small town difficulties vs financial difficulties after a move.

Sarah, you are my steady.  You are my constant.  You are my best friend.  Here is a “love” letter just for you:

There are things I really want to say to you… need to say to you…to express to you… but I don’t quite know how. Apart from coming up to you and saying them, there isn’t really a way to tell you how I feel. So I won’t. What I have to say, due to how poorly words communicate, might be taken wrongly and cause our relationship to become unstable, uncomfortable. So, I’m not going to tell you. That’s how it has to be.  The words cannot be spoken.  Instead, I will gather my thoughts and write them in a letter of pure feelings.

I love you, pure and simple. I always have. I always will. My love for you is everlasting and infinite.  It is a pure love, non-sexual in nature. It is true love. I could never sleep with you… aside from being something that neither of us is looking for, it would, by its very act, destroy and alter something that is pure.  I could fall asleep next to you, watching a movie, enjoying a nice drink,  quite easily… My love is endless. I love you despite– no… because of things you view as faults and unattractive behaviors within yourself. They are real, and beautiful,  and they are a part of who you are. Your character is charming, and I only hope I can continue to be an important part of your life.

You have always been such a wonderfully protective and supportive person to me… you have been there for me ever since I met you. You were there for me when I was in pain, when I was confused, when I was lost. You have believed in me more than I have ever believed in myself… and I am endlessly grateful for that. You have provided me with an anchor of support. With you, I feel that there are emotional things that will not change, even if our separate lives change on their own. I feel like there is something real,true, pure and permanent about my love for you. It is like the sky when the mountains crumble. It is a background in front of which I assume the various characters and personalities that this world directs me.

There is nothing I would not do for you. I trust you with everything I have and am. I believe that you know this… and that you have for a long time.

I can only theorize where these feelings came from. I would like to think that you are a kind of soul-sibling, that our spirits have existed along a timeline through centuries, with many interchanging stories. I believe that we have known each other for an inconceivably long time.

I want to tell you these things. Maybe someday I will tell you, face to face.  It might never be said outside of this writing, but however it happens, I want you to know that I do love you, and that I will be there for you, always,  above any person, be it admirer, girlfriend, dream or depression. I consider myself the luckiest soul in the universe, having met you. Thank you for being here for me. I will always be here for you.

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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2 Responses to My dearest friend…

  1. Pingback: To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before | deviant thoughts

  2. Pingback: When the time is right | deviant thoughts

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