PMS and an unpleasant anniversary

What?  PMS?  But you can’t.  You’re a….well…not a girl!!

I assure you that I certainly can.  I have had sympathy symptoms for my wife since her pregnancy over 20 years ago.  To this day, we are on the same cycle.  I get the obnoxious munchies (but nothing actually sounds good) and the bloats (who doesn’t just LOVE a good muffin top on the jeans one week a month).  I get emotional and a bit out of whack.

This year it doesn’t help that the cycle lands on the week marking two years since I lost my job due to budgetary cut backs (our governor cut all funding for PBS stations, no real debate, just a slash).  In that two years, I have not been able to land a job, outside of a few freelance gigs.  I am a videographer/editor by trade, but found myself installing speakers and projectors with a fanatical christian (that was fun) who believed everything was a choice and nobody was “born” a particular way….you get the picture.  Lots of fun!  But the pay was good and it allowed my unemployment to stretch further.  Yes, I do claim all monies made, though I can see why so many people are dishonest about doing so.  It could be an easy trap to fall in to, but I will never do that.

Two years and nothing.  Not even being able to land a job at Wal-Mart where, not to be insulting–but, you don’t need much skill or functionality to work there.  Two years of complete and total rejection.  It can really take its toll on a person.

Two years, also, when we made an ill-fated move to California.  Nothing like driving across the country to settle in and realize you did not have the funds that you were certain you had.  We had checked and double checked.  Sold our house. Then I hear my wife telling her parents (or sibling) that we only had X amount rather than XX amount and that we really only had enough to last about two or three weeks, not a couple months.

We had to make a quick decision and it happened that the solution that held the most concentration, on her part, was to come back to Indiana.  She was being given her old job back, so it sort of made sense.  Despite everything telling me not to come back.  Even my MP3 player popped up a song by RUSH as we were leaving Thousand Oaks….”STICK IT OUT” blared through the radio.

Don’t swallow the poison 
Spit it out 
Don’t swallow your pride 
Stick it out 
Don’t swallow your anger 
Spit it out 
Don’t swallow the lies 

As I look back, I still think it was (sort of) the right thing to do.  Deep in my gut, though, I feel I should have stayed.  It is where I want to be.  Where I need to be.  But not where I am.  I look at my life as a whole and I am not where I should be.

I am continually trying to get back to California (not easy with no job).  In trying to land any job that I can, I have really “dumbed down” my applications.  I am turning my back on things that once made me proud, just so I can earn a modest living doing whatever.  Trying to make it appear as though I would not leave as soon as a better job presented itself. (I can still present male, which is how I apply and interview for most jobs. Only twice have I done so as Jenn….and I got an interview out of one of those!)

It will be a tough couple of weeks, but I will manage.  I always do.  But this year I will be doing it while being bloated and eating everything in sight that won’t quell that damn PMS appetite.  MMmmmmmmm…..quail………… (not really, I don’t eat quail).

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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2 Responses to PMS and an unpleasant anniversary

  1. bronzegirl says:

    If you hadn’t come back from CA I wouldn’t have gotten to know Jenn so well 🙂

  2. Jennifer says:

    Awwwwwww!!!! 🙂 That is true!!

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