Finding My Voice

I hate my voice.  There.  I said it.  I hate my voice with a passion.

Not like people that hear their voices on a message and say, “I hate my voice.  I sound weird”.  I hate my voice because it is male.  It’s not just male, it’s VERY male.  I remember the day I realized it, in Junior High.  Something that happens to almost all males as they go through puberty.  I was going to talk to a teacher, whose back was to me, and when I said his name, he turned around and looked at his eye level, then realized the adult male was actually a scrawny Jr. High student, about a foot or two shorter than where he was looking.  I hated that day.

but i was finding my voice.

As I have progressed and aged, my voice has stayed in about the pitch, but I have learned to raise it a little, speak a little softer and I had the revelation that a woman’s voice is much more than pitch, but consists of mannerisms and inflections.  I have heard plenty of women with deep voices.  I have two female friends who despise their voice because they think it is far too deep to be a feminine.  I think their voices are amazing, and to be truthful, sexy.  Not that I am getting turned on, but they have that perfect pitch to their voice.  Think Melissa Etheridge.  Think about Joan Jet.  Think about that awesome female voice you hear on the radio.  THAT is the voice they have.  It’s the voice I am shooting for because I think it is within reach and I think it rocks!

I am finding my voice.

I listen to, and study, the female voice.  I try to find that pitch that I can match, though I still haven’t found it, but the inflections and subtleties that go along with a woman’s voice.

I attempt to study and mimic the vocal stylings of singers like Geddy Lee of RUSH, Robert Plant of LED ZEPPELIN, Jon Anderson of YES.  These men have a vocal pitch that is very high for a male, yet their speaking voice is in the “normal” male range.  I try to tighten and strengthen my vocal chords, but to no avail.

Still, I AM finding my voice.

I’m stuck with a deep voice that I can adjust slightly and speak in a way that is less “readable” to those around me, but not at all passable to the person I am speaking directly to in a conversation.  I’m ok with it.  I am a work in progress.  I am a work of art.

I AM FINDING my voice.

I am also finding my voice in other areas.  I am finding my voice as I continue to write this blog.  I am finding my voice as I continue my videography and editing work.  I am finding my voice as I fight with those who think what I am is a disgrace.  I am a fighter and will stand toe to toe with someone and debate them for all I have (with their own scripture, I might add) but I never get violent.  Sometimes the “enemy” will get pissed to the point of cussing, but nothing physical.

I AM GROWING IN MY voice.

I am finding my voice as I age and grow.  I can shout out with the best of them, telling all that I can that I am what I am.  I am WHO I am.  When I found that first little voice, everything else has been (slightly) less difficult.  I am finding my voice growing in strength as I come out to more and more people.  The heavy burden that was keeping that voice down continues to lift and allow more of that voice to come forward.  Soon, it will be loud and fabulous.

I AM FINDING MY VOICE!!!!!!!!

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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2 Responses to Finding My Voice

  1. Teresa says:

    My voice is still, sadly, very male. I’m trying to get that fixed but it’s not easy, especially as one gets older. I wish you the best of luck on this.

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