If I could Turn Back Time

Although the words to a great CHER song, this is about the talk of going back and doing things over again, differently, or doing them exactly the same way if you are living in Glory Days.

I hear people talk about how great high school was.  How it was the best days of their lives.  It wasn’t like that for me.  It wasn’t horrid.  I wasn’t beaten up or picked on, I just floated through, hiding the real me, which was sometimes hard to do.

If I could turn back time….

I knew nothing about sports, yet I could shoot a basketball pretty well (just couldn’t play the game).  I could kick a football through the uprights at 40 yards (sometimes 50) but I knew nothing of the game.  there was a game of softball and as I ran to first base, my teammates were yelling for me to slide, so I slid.  I did not know that there is no sliding into first.  They laughed for quite a while with that one. But it wasn’t bad.  I made jokes of it.  I hid feelings.  I didn’t allow myself to be hurt.

If I could turn back time….

I was able to fit in with most everyone because I had this innate ability to make a joke about just about anything.  Whether it was something said in ernest, or a situation, or a poke at me, I was able to take it, twist it, and create a new angle.  This got me “in” with a lot of different cliques, though only for laughs and minor friendship.  Did I mention I was also a breakdancer?  No?  Well, forget I mentioned it.

If I could turn back time….

I am one of those that would love to go back and do it all again, but with the knowledge I possess right now.  I would take my studies a little more seriously, not that I was a slacker, but I just got through and only truly applied myself when I wanted to (which always produced straight A’s).  But the reason I would go back is to relive life as I know I was meant.

If I could turn back time….

I was not true to myself, and therefore, was not true to those around me.  They never got know the joys of hanging out with Jenn.  The only way to find out more information on trans issues was the Encyclopedia Brittanica or the dictionary.  I think the dictionary actually held more information than the encyclopedia.  There were, periodically, television shows that would touch on the subject, sometimes with great care and compassion (Donahue, Jenny Jones, and, believe it or not, early Jerry Springer) but most looked at it with mocking facial expressions or comments (Real People).  There were few resources, save the small town library, and those were not very informative either (being they were medical publications).

If I could turn back time….

To know then, what I know now, I would not have felt so alone.  I would have been more open and upfront with everyone, including my parents.  To be Jenn is an amazing slice of life.  To think that she was buried and denied for so many years.  I would have fought for the right to be who I am.  Fight to wear what I wanted and to live life how I wanted.

If I could turn back time….

I generally feel so bad for those who dwell on the past, but to relive those days in a way that would change who I really was, still might not be worth it.  I am, today, who I am because of how my life was.  Yes, it would have been great to have been more out, but in a small town in the mid 80s, it would have led to more disasters, I believe.  Farm boys who would attack anyone they viewed as different.  Macho, macho men (I didn’t want to be macho man).  I will always regret the amount of time it took to become me, but I am stronger for it, and it is never too late.

If I could turn back time…. I don’t think I would.

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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