Everybody Hurts is a song written and sung brilliantly by REM. It really does have to do with this blog.
Normally, I wouldn’t write a blog about how deeply I am feeling at the moment, and I’m not 100% positive I will publish this, but if you are reading it, I obviously have.
Depression is something that hits hard and deep. It causes the body and mind to hurt to the very core. It usually does not really affect me too badly, I can usually shake it over the course of a day or two, but this latest bout has been hitting me day after day for past couple weeks. It is wearing me out.
My normal bouts with feeling “glum” are periodic moments through a day of feeling really positive and up. Right now I have fleeting moments of up that leave me at a point near tears when they pass.
The difference between this current state of depression and other times, Is that I know the cause. I know what is beating me up and there is nothing I can do about it. It is out of my control.
I have been unemployed for just over 2 years and the unemployment comes to an end in 4 weeks. That’s it. No extensions. No additional funding. Nothing. The money will be gone. I should be thankful it has lasted this long. If it weren’t for some freelance gigs I picked up along the way, this would have run out about 9 months ago.
The toughest part is that I’m not just looking at jobs in my field (videography and editing) but that I can’t even seem to get hired by Wal-Mart. Two years of rejections, paired with money running out, leave a rather hopeless view of the weeks ahead.
It seems like everyone around me is going through similar valleys. Two very good friends are at a low right now. One is seeing someone and the other had to stop due to money issues (and he has a full time job). They say the meds help, but, for me, I know the cause of the depression. Pills, like Frank-N-Furter, would remove the symptom but not the cause (though he removed the cause….but not the symptom). Unemployment and transitioning (or not transitioning, really).
I found this great article, a few years old, but very true to form.
As I work through all of this, I make one point very clear. No matter how depressed I am, or hopeless I feel, suicide is never an option. I just like myself, and those around me, too damn much, so don’t worry there.
Life will turn around. Things will fall back into place. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later. If I can land any sort of job in the next two weeks, there will no no lapse in income. If not, I’m not sure what will happen, but we will muddle on. We always have.