I was amazed by the hours that followed my last entry. Simply amazed.
My wife and I had planned for a nice evening out this past Saturday. We had run to an antique mall in Centerville, Indiana (widely disappointing) and came home to get ready for our date.
We kept with our plans to go to BELLA AVANTE, a great little Italian place tucked away on a side road. Quite an enjoyment for Muncie, which has chain after chain after chain.
After ordering and having some light conversation, my wife began the serious discussion of the evening, centering around my transness. (is that even a word? I guess it is now)
I wasn’t sure, exactly, where the conversation would lead, but thought I was prepared for whatever was coming. I must confess, I was not.
I know that I just sent your mind in the direction of a split and tears flowing, but I assure you it was quite the opposite.
We spoke of our history together. Our 22 years together and our 20 years of marriage. Our ups and downs and how we have survived them all. Things that would have destroyed other couples. At the base of it all is our love and friendship. It is a pretty awesome thing to be married to your friend.
As the conversation continued we spoke about how feminine I have become, without hormones or trying. Even when not presenting as Jenn, I am usually addressed as Ma’am, miss and lady. (I can do without the ma’am…makes me feel old….45 isn’t old, right?). We talked for well over 90 minutes, something we haven’t done to that degree in some time. She told me that she was never going to leave me, even when I transitioned, and that we would cross those bridges as they approached. There was no need to speculate and worry about a situation that may not arise.
I told her that I fully intended to transition and the only real thing holding me back was lack of employment/money. We continued. We did end up talking, hypothetically, about life after transitioning and how the physical relationship would change. This may be a little in the realm of TMI, but here it goes. The emotional love will always be there, we both agree, but the physical transformation that will take place would change the physicality of the relationship. We discussed the options at that point. She is not a lesbian and has no desire to have a sexual relationship with another woman, but given that the other woman would be me, she wanted to throw out some options. One would be an open relationship. One that would allow a physical relationship with another person while maintaining a loving and emotional relationship with each other. If I were to decide that I needed a physical relationship with a man, that would also be part of the openness. The second would involve the use of external devices that would allow us both to “enjoy” the physical aspect of a relationship. At the end of it all, we did decide that we would cross that bridge when we came to it. Who knows, it may be that we enjoy the physical changes.
She spoke about how much she supported whatever I chose and wherever it led. Tears flowed as she said how great it was to be out dining and talking with her best girl friend. She spoke about how happy I am when I am Jenn and how open to discussion I am. She knows that the change has already begun and we talked about getting hold of our old doctor (a great guy who became head of education at the hospital, and moving away from practice) about finding out who he would suggest as a doctor and therapist for my transgender journey. We talked about beginning hormone therapy as soon as we are able.
We left feeling renewed and energized at the layers we were able to peel away. No matter what the situation, discussion and conversation is essential to the survival of any relationship.
We left with the journey to self realization beginning, slowly at first, but one that will accelerate faster than either of us can comprehend. Buckle up, it could be a bumpy ride, but one that the full disclosure of open conversation can help smooth.