For those who tell me I am so strong and so courageous, I am to a very small degree.
I sit here, with tears streaming down my face, not at what I have embraced, but those whom I have left behind.
I suppose it’s that little kernel of strength and courage that allowed me to become me and to follow this venture west.
At the moment I feel as though all of that fortitude has left me.
Not that I am feeling overwhelmed. It is the feeling of having left every person I love behind. Not getting to have that daily interaction, in a physical way. No hugs. No simple touch. Something I have grown a little used to over the past 22 and 47 years.
Even my best friend, who drove me this entire distance. There is no longer that ability to just randomly connect for a drink, for lunch, or just because.
I know I can do this. I know it is a small moment of pain. I know that I am lucky to have had any time at all with such amazing family and friends.
I know that I am fortunate, though I may not feel deserving of it. I know I am strong, even though I am at a point where I feel my weakest.
Give me a moment to rebound. To get settled. Then, well, that pain will still be there. However, I am hoping that the sorrow is replaced by celebration. I am where I have longed to be. I am who I have longed to be.
The rest will come with time.
This is something that I wrote a month and a half ago. I had moved to California exactly one week earlier. I had left everyone I loved and everything I held dear to me. I left my home, my parents, my family, my army of supporters, my strength and my courage. I left a good job at a great company.
Time changes a lot of things. The last post I made here was over a year ago. A lot, indeed has changed over time. However, the same feelings I had when I wrote the above entry into my notebook are still here. I am not at all where I wanted to be, nor doing what I want to be doing. I have, really, a good job. It affords what I need, and I share expenses with two amazing people. But the job isn’t clicking. I’m not getting it after a month and a half. I am truly hoping it lasts as long as I’m here. If not for this job, I would not be able to live here.
But enough of that.
So much has happened since my last entry, but I shant write it now. Some great things, some ok things, some sad things and some crushing things. But then again, things are the things that make things happen, or something like that.