I Trusted You

I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU!!!!!
It was 6th grade. We were best friends. Best friends trust each other. I trusted you. 
I was going to be spending the night at your place. Something I’d done on several other occasions. The only difference is that you knew a little more about me this prior to this sleepover. I confided in you. I trusted you. 
You were interested in knowing more about this other side of me. Just so you could understand. That night you had grabbed some of your sister’s clothes. They were gone and you said this was a great time. Your parents went upstairs to bed. We were staying up really late, like always. After sufficient time had passed, we knew your parents had fallen asleep. You grabbed these clothes for me to try on and show you. And I happily obliged. I trusted you. 
You were fantastic for the first few, but then on one particular outfit, your expression changed. The air changed. I loved what I was wearing and it must have shown through. We sat down to play your Colecovision, but you kept moving closer to me. But it was ok. I trusted you. 
When you wanted to stop playing and move to the couch to just watch tv, I thought nothing of it. I trusted you. 

 

We were fine. Planet of The Apes was on. I was, unassumingly, watching one of my favorite films. I noticed you inching closer but, again, thought nothing of it. Next thing I knew you were right beside me. Yet still, I trusted you. 
When you put your arm around me, I jerked away, but it seemed ok, so I settled in. It felt like nothing was wrong. I felt like the girl that I knew myself to be. I did nothing but sit there, letting you hug me. It seemed innocent. I trusted you.
But then you tried to kiss me. I had to stop you there. I felt like I had done something wrong. I was trying to figure out why you thought it was ok to do this. I guess I shouldn’t have let you hug me. But when I pushed you away, you changed. You were no longer my friend. You were a stranger. I had no clue who was sitting next to me. Your eyes changed. Your expression. Your body language. I felt extremely uncomfortable and tried to push away, but you were stronger and bigger. You pulled down onto the couch and wouldn’t let me up. When I started to shout out, you covered my mouth, and stared into my eyes. Hatefully. “Don’t say a goddam thing. You want mom and dad to catch you like this? Shake your head if you get it.” So I did. You took your hand away to hold both arms down as you lay on top of me.  
“I won’t scream, but I am going to tell.”
“No you won’t. same reason you won’t yell. You don’t want anyone to know.”
You laid down on me, fully. I was scared. I told you to please stop. I was absolutely terrified where this was going. Then I had a thought. Stop fighting. Get your trust. You trusted me. I trusted my feeling.
I reached down and found what I was looking for. And squeezed the living shit out of them. My hand became a vice. You were now at my mercy. And I showed you none as I squeezed tighter and twisted. You now seemed like the one who was scared. I told you to stay away from me from then on. Don’t talk to me. Don’t talk about me. Don’t even look at me. If you did I would tell. I didn’t care. I wanted to open up to everyone and I’d take you down too. Oh, and I’ll disclose your telescope that seemed to NOT be pointed toward the night sky, nor down in a resting position, but rather, directly at the bedroom of your neighbors’ daughter. Disclosing this would leave you in a much worse place than my coming out. Did you believe me? Did you trust me?
After changing, I called my parents to come get me, because I was sick. That was it. The end of a lifelong friendship. I trusted you! I TRUSTED YOU!!!
I fucking trusted you.

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About Jennifer

She grew up in an Indiana town Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around But she grew up tall and she grew up right With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights Well, there are partial truths above. Being from Indiana, I did grow up in an Indiana town. I did not have a good lookin mama, but she was always around.'I did not grow up tall, but I suppose I grew up right. I spent lots of time with Indiana boys on Indiana nights. It's because I was one. Still am in some ways. Certainly not in others. My transitional journey has begun. Goodbye to my male self and hello to this wonderfully feminine world in which I was meant to live. At the age of 45, I am beginning my true journey to self and home.
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